


who the hell is bucky

by StarSpangled (Senforza)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, real - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Deleted Scenes, Not really RPF I swear, Winter Soldier Steve, and No RPF Ships, based on another work, just crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 01:11:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18129002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Senforza/pseuds/StarSpangled
Summary: “You calling me your girl, Rogers?”Steve rolled his eyes. “I have been breaking into houses and practicing that speech for weeks, you jerk.”---In which Steve breaks into famous actor Sebastian Stan's house to practice that speech.





	who the hell is bucky

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nikkiRA](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkiRA/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Footnote](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18072320) by [nikkiRA](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkiRA/pseuds/nikkiRA). 



> so mucoke and i have been sprinting our bang fics together for the last, like, five hours? and then she finished hers and showed me that one snippet and then instead of continuing to work on not here to make friends chapter 7 i whipped THIS BULLSHIT up because fuck me my muse hates me
> 
> i wrote this in half an hour okay please don't expect anything good
> 
> (also to have this make any sense go read nikkiRA's saubb fic footnote it good)

So here’s the thing, right? Sebastian Stan is a high-paid actor. He is a high-paid actor who values his privacy. He is a high-paid actor who lives in a fucking nice house in goddamn Los Angeles, he can afford security and privacy and for his home address to not be on those dumb Hollywood neighborhood tours or plastered on the internet or whatever. He values his personal life and the privacy of his relationships. Privacy is a  _ thing _ he is  _ allowed to have, _ dammit, and should not be sacrificed just because he does pretty well at certain movies.

So when he turns on the light in his living room after getting home from a bar one night and sees a man with a fucking leather gimp suit sitting on his goddamn recliner, he is  _ entitled _ to his initial reaction.

“WHAT.” Yes, he screams. He is _not ashamed,_ damn it. “THE FUC—”

“You  _ do _ look like him,” says Bondage Man, who upon closer inspection is not  _ actually _ in fucking bondage gear. He’s actually just got what might be who-the-fuck-knows, ashes? Smeared all over his blond head, and he’s dressed in, what, an obscene fucking amount of belts and buckles and holy fuck is that a knife. Holy fuck is that two knives. Holy fuck is that  _ all the fucking knives.  _ “Yeah, you’ll do. It’ll work.” He frowns, clearly thinking to himself. “But you have to stop looking so confused.”

“You don’t wanna wear my skin,” Sebastian says entirely on instinct. “It’s not as smooth as it looks. Bad quality. Burns in the sun.” He tooks a closer look at Bondage Man, who is rather quickly being upgraded to the status of potential serial killer. “Wouldn’t fit over your biceps anyway. I’d be the ugliest fucking skinsuit.”

“But you look like him,” Potential Serial Killer says, frowning and oh, fuck, should not have angered, abort,  _ ABORT. _ Sebastian is not ready to die. He has a movie to promote and a family who is not currently here, okay, fine, but he  _ could _ have a family if he  _ wanted to  _ and is too  _ young to die.  _ “And he’s not ugly, he’s...I mean.”

He’s. Filed away, status upgraded: Potential Serial Killer to Potential Stalker. Mission Objective: burn off his fingerprints and escape to Romania.  _ All the way _ to Romania. “Look, you need to listen to me. I’m not your boyfriend.”

Potential Stalker shoots him a supremely annoyed look.  _ “Obviously _ not. But you’re an actor, aren’t you?”

“I—” For a second, he’s almost offended, before he remembers he is also maybe about to be totally murdered. Potential Stalker  _ is, _ however, downgraded back to Potential Serial Killer. He needs a fucking name. Sebastian takes another look at him and—yes, okay, it’s not just his fucking destroyed mind melting down, he  _ does _ bear a passing resemblance to Chris Evans. “Yes, I’m a goddamn actor! If you didn’t know that, what the hell are you doing  _ in my house?!” _

“Sebastian Stan, thirty-six. Romanian descent. 6’0”, less than 200 pounds. Occupation: actor; notable works:  _ I, Tonya; Political Animals; Gossip Girl.  _ Threat status: minimal.” Potential Serial Killer with Face like Chris Evans recites it on rote with that same annoyed expression. Crippling fear is about to be replaced by debilitating annoyance;  _ threat status minimal, _ really? “I know you’re an actor, so can you just—I don’t know, act like him for a second? So I know how he’ll react?”

_ Act like who?!  _ “ACT LIKE WHO?!”

“You know—him.” Possibly Chris Evans Punking Him shakes his head fiercely with a scowl, his hands going to the _holy fuck is that a gun_ on his hip. Sebastian grabs the closest thing to him, which is unfortunately a tissue box, but fuck it, this is what he has in the absence of things like _the laws of the universe_ and _a normal night in with Netflix and a fucking sausage pizza._ _“Him!_ He’s on television all the time, you must’ve seen—”

_ “I _ AM ON TELEVISION ALL THE TIME!”

“Captain America! For the love of—” Hopefully Chris Evans High on Nitrous eyes the tissue box with a scowl, whips out his pistol and then  _ shoots the fucking tissue box out of Sebastian’s goddamn hands what the holy fuck. _ “I’m not gonna hurt you, I just need to get this right for my boyfriend!”

Sebastian stares at his hand. Which is literally just holding a pathetic bundle of tissue scraps. There are bullet holes in his goddamn NASA poster on his goddamn wall what the  _ goddamn fuck. _ “That would be a lot more believable if you hadn’t just  _ shot the tissue box out of my goddamn hands!” _

“That wouldn’t have saved you anyway!” Definitely Not Chris Evans throws his hands in the air in a very obvious  _ duh _ motion, which yes, fair point, the tissue box was not going to save Sebastian. Point, Bondage Man. “Just—listen to me talk and let me finish mission goddamn parameters and I will get out of your house, okay? Please stop throwing tissue at me, he wouldn’t be—well, actually, he might.” And then his face goes all  _ melty, _ somehow, which is actually  _ worse _ because his eyes go unfocused and contemplative and he is  _ still holding the holy fuck gun. _ “He’d probably be annoyed, actually, so...yes, you’re doing fine.”

Look, if this is how he’s gonna go, this is  _ how he’s gonna go. _ “Alright, so what do you need to talk about?”

“...Uh.” Bondage Evans shakes his head, glaring at Sebastian for a moment longer before looking away, then looking back up, then looking away.  _ “...Uh.” _

Fucking  _ Christ. _ “HURRY UP!”

“I’M TRYING!” Potentially Illegitimate Evans Child screams back, equally annoyed, like it isn’t him who broke into  _ Sebastian’s _ house and shot the goddamn drywall. “It’s kinda hard to approach the situation, I’ll have you know! The last time I saw him, I sorta tried to kill him!”

“Really, I  _ never would have guessed!” _ Sebastian screams back, because you know what, this is his house, these are his rules, he is allowed. “SAY IT OR GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”

“You’re a terrible actor, Bucky would never—”

“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, JUST SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY!”

“GOD DAMN IT, FINE!” Possibly Scott Evans High On Nitrous screams back, screwing his eyes shut tightly and gritting his teeth. Sebastian takes the opportunity to dart over to the fireplace and grab the poker as Tangentially Related Homeless Evans Cousin starts speaking. “Uh...uh…okay, do you know what I’ve been doing for the past year, Buck? I’ve been travelling, remembering, uh…” Definitely not one of the acting Evans’, that’s for sure, his delivery’s fucking _terrible._ “Going places I could remember and some I’d never heard of, in the hope it would light some fire and give me a new name or face.”

Possibly Lesser Evans Hoping to Enter the Acting World, then. Going about it the wrong way, if he’s  _ breaking into Sebastian’s house and shooting up his goddamn walls. _ Anonymous Evans Cousin keeps going, on a roll by now. “And at the beginning I didn’t know who I was, all I knew was what HYDRA had told me, what they had put in my head, but I knew you, somehow. And at every place I went, in every memory, the one thing they all had in common was you. Even if you weren’t there, there was something I associated with you—some gut feeling that reminded me of you.” Strange Evans cracks a tentative eye open, peeking up at Sebastian anxiously with a single baby blue. “...How did it sound, too pushy? Please put the fire poker down, if I wanted you dead you’d be dead already.”

“It was beautiful,” Sebastian deadpans. “Now get the  _ fuck  _ out of my house.”

**Author's Note:**

> and then steve yeeted himself out sebstan's window
> 
> lmao i'm just really tired
> 
> i haven't even read this over any mistakes are all mine i own them it's FIVE IN THE MORNING fucking good night bitches


End file.
